There is a common theme amongst all dieters and those who whose goal is weight loss: they want to “be better”.

As a former dieter I deeply resonate with this desire, as I’m sure you do too.

But I would say the vast majority of people in our culture carry this desire “be better” in some area of their life. If it’s not changing their body then it’s in wanting to be a “better” spouse, a “better” parent, “better” employee etc. 

I woke up really tired today.

My almost 2-year old daughter is home with me for a couple weeks before pre-school starts, and as you can imagine, it’s a tad tiring.

See, I’m someone who needs her sleep! When I don’t get a lot of sleep, things go downhill pretty fast. And what do I mean by “downhill”?

I mean the thoughts in my mind start seeing the worst in everything: in my life, in other people, and especially in myself.

Anxiety came knocking on my door the other day, and walked right into my house.

It’s still here actually, sitting on my couch, looking quite comfortable. I have no idea when it will leave. 

A couple weeks ago I wrote about having seen the full length of my body on video, the reaction I had, and how I handled it. 

A reader replied with the below response: 

“This made me think about when I see my body in the mirror - specifically my thighs. When thoughts come up of ‘god they are so dimply and veiny- yuck’ I don’t know whether to sink into the feelings of grief of grieving my old body, or watch the thoughts go by like the television in the background you mentioned.”

For context - the “television” is reference to this meditation from my meditation group (which btw you can join here). 

So what do you do? Grieve your old body? Or watch the critical body thoughts go by?

The short answer? Both. 

Here’s my longer answer…

The body acceptance journey often begins with excitement.

You imagine the freedom you’ll feel when you stop worrying so damn much about the number on the scale, or how many calories are in a meal, and you can finally just enjoy life more!

And that keeps you going until…weight gain happens. Then boom! All the fear and panic starts rushing in and you think “I can’t do this! Dieting feels safer, this is way too scary.”

Dieting and weight loss plans have their appeal.

They feel safe. It’s “easy” to have rules. You don’t need to think about what you’re eating or doing - it’s all planned out for you.

As much as those boundaries can feel safe, they also become a prison. And when you’re locked in a prison, it’s hard to thrive.

The other day I posted this on Instagram. It appeared to really hit a chord with people.

Our minds have all been programmed. Some of that programming is positive and serves us, and some of it is negative and hurts us.

Growing up in this culture we’ve learned to criticise, blame, and see our bodies as wrong if it doesn’t match up with what the people in our lives say is a “good” or “worthy” body (the programming).

So hearing that the painful thoughts about our bodies floating through our minds may not be our true opinion of ourselves, means it’s possible we can see ourselves in a different way, and feel better about ourselves.

I’m sure you’ve heard the headlines that purport that certain foods are more “addictive” than others - those with the magic combo of sugar, fat and salt. You may have also heard that certain food additives make foods more “addictive”? Is that really true? 

I received an email the other day from a woman who was asking me this question, and I thought it would be helpful to share it (with permission) and my response: 

What is it that has prevented you from accepting your body up until this point?

Whatever it is, I guarantee it boils down to one thing: fear. 

Fearful thoughts about what could happen (or more accurately what feels like will happen) if you stop trying to control your body. Thoughts like:

• I’ll gain weight forever

• People will judge me

• I’ll hate myself

• I’ll never be able to find a partner and be alone forever

• I’ll get sick and die early

• I’ll never feel good again

• I’ll be miserable etc. 

And what lies underneath all of these thoughts? 

The feeling I’m not safe. 

Growing up I didn't have a good relationship with negative feelings. I used to believe that "negative" feelings were something I was supposed to avoid experiencing. If I felt them it meant something was wrong - either in my life, or more often, with me. 

The other day I posted a video to YouTube titled "You DON'T Need to WORRY About What You Eat. Here's Why"

It garnered a comment from someone who seemed quite upset that I was telling people not to care about what they eat (and subsequently not care about their body).

But it’s funny...I never once said don't "care" about what you eat. I said don't worry about what you eat. 

How many hours have you spent researching the “best” way to solve the “problem” with your body?

All the time spent trying to find the “best” diet or workout plan to lose weight. Or the “right” protocol to follow in order to feel better. 

The mind wants to know. It wants the answer. It likes prescriptions, plans, and protocols to follow. And there’s no shortage of people telling you they have the answer for you!

When you’re feeling scared, insecure, or in pain, you’ll do whatever you think is necessary to feel better. 

But what if you didn’t have to search out there in order to find relief?

What problem do you have regarding your body or habits these days?

• Is it the near-constant critical thoughts about your appearance?

• Is it the late-night eating that you can't seem to stop even though you are full?

• Or maybe it's the fear of eating certain foods that makes eating decisions so stressful?

Am I safe to assume that in general, you’d like to feel better?

You’re very human if you do. We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain - it’s a basic survival instinct. Our brain associates pain with “danger”, and pleasure with “safety”. So it makes sense to want to “feel better”, it feels safer. 

Which is why you’ve invested so much time and energy into losing weight and “looking good. In our culture, it comes with a lot of pay-offs, such as:

Our bodies are with us our entire lives. When we are at war with it, it adds an unnecessary layer of burden and stress.

And one of the best ways I know to help alleviate that burden, is a daily meditation practice

Wait! Before you say "really? Meditation is your answer?" hear me out.

Gratitude lists are all the rage. And for good reason.

Our minds have a negativity bias. The primal brain's sole job is to keep us physically alive, and it does this by being on watch constantly for anything it could perceive as a potential threat to our safety (even if it's not actually a real threat - which is most things in our modern life!)

When I heard Byron Katie say "I am what you believe me to be" - it felt freeing.

Because I realized that I couldn't control someone else's perception of me.

Now that might seem like a scary idea when we feel we need someone to see us a certain way in order to feel ok. But when we don't need that, and we recognize that no matter how hard we try they are going to see us how they see us, we can become free.

So you decided to go on a weight loss journey. You committed yourself to your workout plan. Altered your diet to Keto or signed up to Noom, and after some time, it worked - like it said it would! The weight came off and the compliments came right alongside it.

Everyone is happy: you are happy, your friends are happy, your doctor is happy. You’re enjoying buying clothing in smaller sizes. You like how you have more energy. Your health markers are better. It’s a big WIN all around! You are at the beginning of the rest of your happily-ever-after life.

Fast forward a few years later…you’re several pounds heavier (or even heavier than when you started).

Have you ever felt that if you stopped trying to manage your weight you'd essentially be "giving up" on yourself?

I think the image that comes to mind for most people when they contemplate no longer caring about their weight, is of someone who eats copious amounts of "junk food", never works out, has low energy and no passion for life.

What an extreme image! But there's a reason for that.

I want to share with you what I believe is the single most important thing you need to know if you want to stop fighting your body and start accepting it.

Here it is: we are not our mind.

What the heck do I mean by that?

Let’s look at an example.